Let your soul pour out onto paper.

One day from 26.

Wed, 23 Jan 2013 02:14:11 -0800

One day I’ll get tired of you not appreciating my creativity and passion for music. That’ll be the day that somebody else will.

Something tells me you won’t regret it though.

Blah blah blah, and a cherry on top.

Fri, 18 Jan 2013 18:53:00 -0800

We’re trying. We’re really trying. But sometimes I wonder if it’s enough.

Reading back on my entries, I sound so pathetic, lmao. 2013, here I come.

No rest for the wicked.

Sun, 14 Oct 2012 05:20:05 -0700

Hold ground and weather.

That's a wrap.

Thu, 04 Oct 2012 23:56:05 -0700

I need someone who’ll be on my side when times get rough, not someone who’s always on the opposing team.

I can't even...

Thu, 04 Oct 2012 20:36:19 -0700

What has this relationship come to when I can’t even ask my own girlfriend a favor without getting an attitude in return?

I’ve spent the last few years trying my best to give her all my attention and get her everything she wants, but it looks like that backfired. Now when I don’t get her the things she desires and the attention she craves for, I get the cold shoulder and an attitude that hurts more than the most damning words. Back when I was more reserved with my feelings it seems as if she was more understanding of me. Now that she knows how much I love her and how much I’ll give her, there’s no room for error on my part. Shouldn’t it be the opposite?

I just wish she would be more appreciative and patient. I’m beyond stressed trying to give her the lifestyle she wants and it hurts infinitely more when she sees I’m struggling and all she offers is an empty “It’s fine” when I blurt out an apology because I can’t fulfill her wishes. Maybe I’m stretching it a bit here, but is it too much for me to ask for a little more attention and appreciation for all that I do for her? I just wish she’d understand how much I do for her.

The requiem.

Mon, 12 Mar 2012 00:23:37 -0700

It’s hard. More tears will be shed. It just means we loved each other so much. It means I loved you so much. But like I promised ages ago, we will be okay. I will be okay. You will be okay.

Your sister...

Fri, 09 Mar 2012 12:22:00 -0800

Your sister WOULD like the picture you took showing you took down all of our stuff. I’m not disputing the fact that it’s a really good photo, but it just shows how much she was anti-us. She never liked any of the other photos we’ve had together that you or I posted on Facebook.

Be strong. There’s no turning back now, ok? I don’t agree with your sister 99% of the time (because she’s a bitch, lol), but she will definitely help you get through this. If she has an ounce of “good sister” left in her, she will help you.

You and I

Thu, 08 Mar 2012 17:52:23 -0800

You and I both know we deserve better. It’s tough to let go of 6 years, believe me I’m really depressed about it, but as much as I deserve a girl who accepts me for who I am (the people who I interact with included), you deserve a guy who is more romantic and more fitted to your personality than I am. We’re like two peas from two different pods… we tried to make it fit and each time we thought we succeeded, we’d pop right out of our makeshift pod.

You deserve to be comfortable in your own skin and in your own relationship. It kills me to see you hurting over something I’ve done, even more so over something I can’t directly control. Our relationship failing isn’t solely your fault, it’s mine too. Please remember that.

I thank you deeply for calling me back after our argument on the phone and talking to me without the anger. Thank you for calming me down after our fight. Like you, I want to remember our relationship for the good that it was. We fought like hell more times than I can count, but we also had amazing memories that I’ll never forget. Despite the obstacles in front of us, we strived to make it work. Even though we didn’t succeed, it was a good fight. Against the odds. Against the doubters, the family members who would pay to see us burn, the unsupportive friends and persistent enemies that shoved their forks into our sides. Against the passive-aggressive sisters and best friends that we ignored because we loved each other. They didn’t matter, and when it comes to what our relationship was, they still don’t matter.

We broke up because of us, not them. Remember that, ok? You deserve that chance to find someone who will treat you better and I deserve the same right. Do good for yourself, and I hope this time around we both can be mature about our decisions.

I love you and I always will. I’ve never “broken up” with a girl before so I don’t know exactly what the right thing to feel is, but there’s no way in hell I’ll ever hate you, even if we’re not together.

The Straw that broke the Camel's Back.

Thu, 08 Mar 2012 03:52:00 -0800

Stop comparing yourself to her. If you’re going to skew everything I say in regards to her, you can bet your bottom dollar that I won’t answer your questions about her next time you ask. Don’t give me bullshit about “avoiding the subject of her” because quite frankly, I tried to explain everything a long while ago and I’m tired of hearing your comparisons between you and her. If you can’t grasp that I put you on a much higher pedestal than her, then you’re not listening to me and I’m not going to waste another breath on the subject. Yes, you two can co-exist in my world and if you don’t agree with me, then I’m worried for our future when another situation like this comes along and you become paranoid again (and if a random person happens to stumble across this blog, I’m NOT talking about cheating on my girlfriend, because that never happened.)

If that is going to be the straw that breaks the camel’s back, then so be it. As much as I love you (and honestly, it’s more than you’ll ever know), I can’t be with a person who makes me feel that way. I’m sure you can agree on that sentiment, though. I’ve tried my best and gave it my all, and I’m hoping at the very least you did the same. I’m tired of going through the motions… tired of the arguments. The pointing of fingers. The false assessments of each other’s character… Maybe it’s better that we break.

3.8.12

This is probably it.

Sat, 11 Feb 2012 20:33:44 -0800

I’m sorry if I didn’t want to go out to party the night before I have to shoot a wedding, and I’m even more sorry if you read into the texts too much. I was just stating that I have a lot to concentrate on and I can’t party a few hours before a paying client is expecting me to take pictures of their special day. I told you that I was tired and I haven’t slept from the work night before, remember? It’s hard being awake for more than 24 hours at a time, getting stuff done that needs to be finished and trying to earn money to buy you that Marc Jacobs bag you always talk about. I gotta make money to pay our phone bill too, you know?

And for you to say, “You’re lucky I’m doing this stuff for you.” to my FACE after you assumed that I was upset at you for wanting to go out speaks loudly to me. Yes, I am lucky that you are there to assist me at weddings, but if you’re going to use that as an argument when you are mad, that’s a new low. I take you on these wedding trips because I know you like weddings and I want you to realize that you are good at something if you try. You aren’t obligated to take photos with me if you don’t want to. From the sound of your statement, it sounds like you don’t want to. So you don’t have to now. I am more than capable enough to shoot solo for a small wedding like the one coming up. The last thing I want to do is drag you into something I thought we had in common, only for you to complain about it and see it as a “favor to me” when I thought you enjoyed shooting as much as I do. You know what else sets it in stone? The fact that you said, “And I went alllll the way back to Anaheim to get my fuxking [sic] camera and now…” If that doesn’t show that you see this as something that isn’t fun, then I don’t know what else you can do to prove to me you hate doing this with me.

Then you go on to say, “You’re too confident… That’s your problem.” Well thank you for showing me you share the same sentiment as your sister who hates me dearly! I didn’t know you thought I was “too confident” at what I do… That hurts the most because I’m always asking you to critique my photos. Many of the times I want your feedback to make me a better photographer. I’m sorry if I come off as too confident, and now, much more than before, I am insecure about my work. If you can say that I am “too confident” when it comes to my work, that probably means that my work is nothing to be proud of. Confidence comes with being proud of your work, and you just gave me the ultimate critique.

“All you ever think of is photography or your family and friends, you don’t even think that maybe I just wanna see you.” Forgive me if I’m wrong, but isn’t that what life is about? Care for your family and friends, pursue your passion? What does that have to do with you wanting to see me? Listen, if you really just wanted to see me, it doesn’t take a party to come visit me at my house. You know I can’t drive right now, so that’s unfair of you to say. You say these inflammatory things that sometimes I can’t take anymore… Of course I care about you. It goes deeper than JUST seeing you. It’s trusting you. Not keeping you on a leash. Buying the stuff you want and giving you the things you don’t. It’s loving you through distance and pushing you to strive to be better. It’s introducing you to new things and helping you ease the jealousy. It’s paying for all the small things and not requesting anything in return. It’s inviting you to my house to be with my family. It’s covering our tracks when people ask if we’re okay, saying we’re great and we’re drama free. It’s forgiving you. It’s putting up with your family that outwardly shows resentment towards me. It’s stepping out of my comfort zone to do things for you that I normally wouldn’t if it were anyone else. That’s how I show I care. But all of that goes out the window because you take it for granted. Don’t say you don’t take it for granted because by saying the statement in bold above, you admit to taking it for granted.

Each time we argue, the wound gets deeper. I can only take so much… As Drake would say, “We’re doing it wrong.”

Breathe new life.

Fri, 03 Feb 2012 03:37:00 -0800

What I felt on Tuesday was invigorating. I haven’t felt that way in awhile. Maybe it was the atmosphere… the fresh smell of a newly constructed building, spring loaded bins that snap back when they should, and vital sign machines that actually read results properly. Maybe it was the lightning fast computer system, faster than my fingers could type. Heck, maybe it was even the brand new floor on which my free runs haptically clung onto.

Or maybe it was the staff.. It felt great. The four hours I spent there that early late Tuesday/early Wednesday was probably the best four hours I’ve spent in this hospital for as long as I’ve been employed here, so much that I actually requested to be moved from the float pool to that unit. If all turns out well, I’ll be excited to go to work once again, after four years.

With all that’s been said, I leave myself with one piece of advice: don’t fuck this up Steph.

Fumes

Thu, 02 Feb 2012 15:51:00 -0800

Don’t mistake my confidence for arrogance. I am proud of what I do, and I make a point to be humble about it. You guys have the gall to talk about me behind my back, but if you want to know the true meaning of arrogance, take a look at the girl who professes on multiple social medias that she has the best boyfriend and job ever, the man who firmly believes he is the final word in his daughter’s life, and the boy who posts his grades on Facebook, all the while hosting a vlog that critiques film directors from years past as if he has the credentials to do so.

I’ve never said anything before to you guys, but the second all of you collectively talk shit is the second that I won’t stand for that kind of mistreatment. I respect you guys for what you do, but all that admiration goes down the drain when you can’t return some common decency.

/rant

Old habits never die

Fri, 20 Jan 2012 05:27:00 -0800

She promised to stop threatening to kill herself as a point of argument, and I believed her. She still does it to this day.

“I swear I’m just going to drive this car off the roalKJDklsjdmsdm,sdmnf,sdn.”

:’(

Fatal

Tue, 17 Jan 2012 10:17:00 -0800

I really have a hard time letting go. My mind is telling me that I don’t deserve the occasional abuse and that there are plenty of other girls out there that may treat me better, but my heart is telling me to stay BECAUSE I FUCKING LOVE HER TO DEATH.

Oh the choices. If she only knew how much leverage she has over my feelings. Maybe she does, and maybe that’s why she can hurt me the way she does because she knows I won’t leave.

I don’t want to leave, but the times when I am unhappy is quickly catching up to the amount of good times we’ve had. I don’t know what to do anymore.

/depressed

I

Sat, 14 Jan 2012 00:10:00 -0800

I love her. Through thick and thin.

We cope.

Fri, 13 Jan 2012 11:35:00 -0800

Some days we break the stones in our foundation, leaving a pile of rubble for us to repair. Other days, we apply mortar and adamantium to said foundation, stabilizing certain parts of our relationship, effectively making it harder for us to knock it down in the future. Maybe that’s a part of how this relationship is going to work out in the long haul. Some days you gotta scrap the old pieces so on other days, you can mix them together to form stronger ones. That’s why you and I are still here.

The Drive.

Sun, 08 Jan 2012 00:19:08 -0800

What do I do that impresses you? You don’t listen to me play music for more than a couple of minutes at a time. You don’t admire me when I take photos of abstract subjects, other people (and night skies, too). As a matter of fact, you get upset when the things I love to do take up the time you think I should be spending with you. You might not consciously do it, but I see you web shopping when I’m doling out a new tune on the piano. I don’t know if you remember, but you also got upset at me when I took a picture of the night sky, only because you weren’t there.

You need to find someone that impresses you. I need to find someone who can appreciate the things I can do that my pocketbook can’t buy.

One week in.

Sat, 07 Jan 2012 23:43:00 -0800

We made a promise to reduce the arguing throughout 2012. I was hopeful, but it looks like we couldn’t even last a week.

Don’t bait me with your games, please. It’s one thing to understand and fully feel supportive of me IF I want to talk to my friends again, but it’s a totally different story if you proclaimed support ONLY to see if I’d say, “I don’t need her in my life.”

What am I doing?

Fri, 06 Jan 2012 06:42:26 -0800

I felt free. Creative. Renewed.

Drifting out of time. Something’s on your mind. And I wanna be the one that you call when you get down. No matter where you are in the world, I’ll be around.

Fly me away on an aeroplane. High in the sky, wanna see you again. Wanna know this time, gonna tell you what I’m feeling. Gonna know this time, gonna get it back, that feeling.

Miles and miles of sun. Endless roads twist on. Don’t wanna live a life in a world that’s all the same. The crazy little things that you do are magical.

This crazy life, this crazy world we’re living in is magical.

Jekyll and Hyde

Tue, 27 Dec 2011 03:49:00 -0800

Who am I talking to, you or your girlfriend?

I still love you like a brother, but c’mon, if you don’t see how ridiculous all of this is, then I don’t know what to do. Help me help us. /genuinesadface